


I Never Changed A Single Color That I Breathe

by neadevar



Series: Organs [2]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anxiety, Blood and Gore, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Raion is still pining hard and falling fast
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-08-03 16:34:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16329626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neadevar/pseuds/neadevar
Summary: "Be certain you are prepared for the assault on the breach."Nothing could have prepared Raion for this.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> We're still not quite at the point where they're together, sorry guys. I like backstory and using my inquisitor as a punching bag for my own feelings and insecurities too much. Also I don't think I'm ever going to get over the fall of Haven. It's been years. I'm still heartbroken. So here's Raion still helplessly pining over Bull and how things went with the whole Haven mess through his pov.

_ “Be certain you are prepared for the assault on the breach.” _

Quite a vote of confidence, Raion thought as he stepped closer to the rift. The way Cullen had looked at him hadn’t been much better. He was already terrified of failing, of proving to everyone who doubted him that he was the useless wildling they thought he was. Of showing his estranged mother that she was right all along and that he was a mistake. If not for Dorian’s conviction and Bull’s lightheartedness as they had made their way to the conclave he might have put it off for another day. But everyone was ready, so  _ he  _ had to be ready. He didn’t really get a choice in the matter.

He didn’t get very many choices at all lately, and even the ones he did get didn’t feel like choices at all. Choosing to help the mages felt more like making a thousand more enemies then it felt like making a thousand allies. 

He could hear the demons screaming from the rift, fighting to get out. So, tapping his fingers against the side of his leg nervously he signalled for everyone to begin. 

Each struggling step against the breach, he counted. Four, five steps. Good steps. He could do this. He had to. The roaring in his ears and the thundering of his heart urged him forward, even as the breach fought to push him back. It was like fighting to move a mountain. Thrusting his hand out he bit back a scream of agony as red hot pain swept up his arm. It was worse than closing smaller rifts, and those already hurt. It was like someone had shoved his arm into a bed of red hot coals, leaving him to blister and char. He pulled from the mages as they worked with him, bit into his cheek until it bled,  _ fought  _ with the rip in the sky until he was certain that it would win. Darkness spotted at the edge of his vision and he felt the ground try to slip out from under his feet.

And then it closed, and he fell to the dirt feeling like he had been run over by a stampede of halla. 

Almost anticlimactic, he thought as he lay there. All that trouble for five minutes of struggle. It was done. It was fixed. He’d done his part with the damn curse on his hand and now maybe he could be free of this entire mess. Maybe he could go  _ home.  _

When he managed to open his eyes, Cassandra was right there awed and mystified as if she’d seen Andraste herself. He took the hand she held out and let her pull him upright. He almost leaned against her as his vision swam. Thought about laying back down again.

“You did it.” She told him, so proud.

When he turned around, and everyone started cheering, he thought maybe being here couldn’t be so bad. Not if he was doing good like this for everyone else.

  
  
  


Everyone was celebrated, everyone wanted  _ him  _ to celebrate, but all Rai wanted to do was sleep. When was the last time he actually got a good night's rest? Not once since he’s been here, he figured. Been up too late counting, cleaning, picking at the frayed edges of his blanket. All of his restless energy and anxiety seemed to have been drained from him. He felt like he could sleep for a day straight. 

He found it hard to leave to rest, though. Everyone was dancing, singing, drinking themselves almost comatose. It was nice to see people who had been so scared and worried finally relaxed and happy. Truly happy. He saw children running around laughing with no one daring to chastise them for being kids. Saw couples leaning close, giggling and talking in hushed whispers. It was nice. He wanted to be a part of it.

A large hand slammed against his back, nearly knocking him face first into the snow.

“You did it, Boss!”

Cheery. Always so cheery. Raion turned to look up at The Iron Bull, taking in the fact that despite the frosty air the man was  _ still  _ shirtless. A pint of ale was shoved into his chest and he barely caught it before it spilled to the ground.

“Time to let loose a little,” Bull told him with a grin, taking a swig from his own cup. 

Rai took a small sip, letting the sting of alcohol in his throat chase away his drowsiness. “I suppose now that the breach is fixed, you’ll be heading out soon.”

He tried not to show how much that disappointed him. Someone started playing music, and he found himself counting the beats of the drum. Getting lost. Getting sad.

Bull put a hand on Rai’s shoulder and steered him away from the music, towards the chantry and away from most of the festivities. “The Chargers will be sticking around a little longer. Help out with the remaining demons. As soon as we’re no longer needed we’ll be gone.”

Raion chewed at the inside of his torn cheek, ripping it open again. He took a swig of his ale to try and wash away the bitterness that burned his throat.  _ You’re needed here,  _ he wanted to say. Wanted to find reasons for Bull to stay. Instead he only nodded and smiled at the man.

“Thank you for all you’ve done, Bull.”

“Hey now, no reason to get sappy on me.” Bull leaned against the wall of the chantry. “I’m just doing what I’m being paid for.”

Cassandra came up to them then, her face relaxed in ways Raion had never seen. It was almost strange. She wanted him dead when they first met and now Rai could almost consider them friends.

“Solas confirms that the heavens are scarred, but calm,” Cassandra told him, relief evident in her voice. “The breach is sealed.”

Raion let out a breath, one he felt like he’d been holding the moment he woke up with the mark on his hand. Bull put a large hand on his shoulder and squeezed. 

Everything is fine, finally everything is going to be okay.

Then the warning bells went off, and everything devolved into chaos.  


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its uhhh... been a while. Hey guys!! New chapter!!

It was a bigger mess than anything could have prepared Raion for.

Haven was burning, the snow on the ground melting as homes caved in on themselves. People were screaming and crying and being cut down right in front of him by templars - no,  _ monsters -  _ and he couldn’t get his legs or his magic to work fast enough to save them. He couldn’t  _ do enough _ . The same people who had watched him with such awe and amazement just hours before were begging for him with those same eyes as they went blank with death.

A blood chilling shriek had him spinning to watch an elven woman being run through, the tip of the sword dripping blood from where it protruded from her back. Rai took a step towards her.

Dorian hooked an arm around his waist and pulled him back just in time, an axe shattering the ice where he had stood. It shook the ground with impact and Rai just managed to shield him and the other mage in time to block the brunt of the red templars next attack. The Iron Bull came up behind the monster, nearly cleaving him in half with his own weapon. Blood spurted across Rai’s face and clothing. He tasted it on his tongue. Organs spilled out across his shoes and he could feel their warmth through the fabric as the blood soaked through.

“You can’t help them all,” Dorian told him, voice grim.

“I have to.” 

“They’re going to shut the gates to the chantry,” Cassandra said, her own voice strained. “We have to get Lavellan inside.”

“ _ I have to help them!” _ Rai shouted. They weren’t  _ listening.  _

Bull’s eye softened. “You can help them along the way.”

Raion couldn’t ignore the screaming behind him, but Bull’s hand between his shoulder blades kept him from turning back. 

“Move! Keep going! The Chantry is your shelter!”

The doors shut closed behind them while people still wailed and died, Rai nearly fell to the floor. Cole, the strange man who warned them, helped the chantry brother as he struggled to stand. The survivors inside were crying and wailing. Panicking. Raion was panicking as well. There was no way he could keep everyone safe like this. 

The Elder One wanted him, and it seemed to Raion that sacrificing himself might be the only way to get everyone out safe and alive. He felt sick to his stomach as he watched blood soak into the brother’s clothing. Wanted to cry when he saw a healer frantically trying to stop the bleeding of a man’s severed arm. A child was screaming for their mother, being hushed by a chantry sister as she tried to calm him. He had to help them. He had to save them. 

“If it will save these people he can have me,” Raion spoke up. He ignored the way Cassandra’s eyes bore into his back. Could feel Bull’s own gaze piercing right through him.

“It won’t,” Cole told him. “He wants to kill you. No one else matters but he’ll crush them, kill them anyway. I don’t like him.”

Hopeless.

“Harold,” Cullen was frustrated. His hands trembled slightly. “There are no tactics to make this survivable. The only thing that slowed them was the avalanche. We could turn the remaining trebuchet, cause one last slide.”

“We’re overrun,” Raion countered. “To hit the enemy we’d bury Haven.”

“We’d die, but we can decide how. Many don’t get that choice.”

Was that supposed to make him feel better? Raion was looking at letting these people get slaughtered or killing them himself. Those weren’t options.  _ He never got options.  _ He looked around, saw his companions staring right back. Trusting him. And he couldn’t even give them an outcome where they survived. Saw The Chargers checking their weapons, readying for a fight they couldn’t hope to win. They were all going to die and Raion couldn’t do anything about it. 

Useless, like he was from the very beginning. Right when he was feeling like he might just  _ belong.  _ Like he might be worth something. From the very beginning he was doomed to let them down, only he never imagined it would happen like this. 

“Chancellor Roderick can help,” Cole piped up. “He wants to say it before he dies.”

Anything, Rai thought. Anything to turn the tide. 

“There is a path,” Roderick rasped. “You wouldn’t know it, unless you’d made the summer pilgrimage as I have. The people can escape. She must have shown me. Andraste must have shown me so I could could tell you.”

“What?” Raion asked.

“It was whim that I walked the path. I did not mean to start it, it was overgrown. Now, with so many in the conclave dead. To be the only one who remembers. I don’t know if this simple memory can save us. This could be more than mere accident. You could be more.”

Raion’s chest filled with hope. He turned to Cullen. “Will it work?”

“Possibly, if he shows us the path. What of your escape?”

That was it, wasn’t it? There wasn’t an escape for him. To buy them enough time to get out so he could bury Haven there wouldn’t  _ be  _ any escape for him. His life instead of all of theirs? He’d do it in a heartbeat. He’d do right by them one last time. He finally had a  _ choice.  _

He looked away from Cullen, looked away from the people he’d grown to consider friends.

“Perhaps you will surprise it,” Cullen said, trying to sound hopeful. “Find a way.”

He appreciated it, even if he knew there was absolutely no way.

“I need help,” Rai turned back towards them. “Dorian, Sera, Cassandra. Will you come with me?”

They nodded, somber. He’d get them out before it was too late. He had to. He turned to Bull. He was just as big as some of the monsters outside the chantry. There wasn’t anyone else who could protect these people like he and the chargers could. With so many of their soldiers dead he wanted to give them the best chance. “I need you and The Chargers to make sure everyone makes it out safely. We lost too many soldiers to the red templars. They’re going to need as much help as they can get.”

“Yes, Boss.” No witty quip. Bull knew there was no chance for him as well. Everything was all so terribly somber.

He looked towards the doors of the Chantry, took a deep breath. Cullen got the villagers moving, got the soldiers running into place. He stepped out into the snow and knew there was no going back. He was going to die. The thought used to bring him peace. Used to give him hope when his compulsions got the better of him. Now he just hoped it would buy everyone enough time to get out.

He counted every step as they fought their way down to the trebuchets.

_ 1,015.  _

Maybe he had some hope after all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this definitely isn't my most popular story, probably pretty low actually on that list. But here's another chapter as an apology for the last one being so late if anyone is following this uwu

It took Raion a few minutes to realize he was alive. After all, there was no way death could hurt this fucking much.

My shoulder is wrong, he thought. Wasn’t sure he could manage to open his eyes to check. He couldn’t feel his hands, his feet, his lips, and was almost sure the tips of his ears had fallen off. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d seen it happen to other kin. Maybe people will stop calling him rabbit. Maybe if he went back to sleep everything would stop hurting. His nose twitched at the thought and he almost did. He wanted to sleep. He was so  _ tired.  _ His eyelids were glued shut and if they weren’t going to open what was the point of being awake.

Wrong, he thought, something is wrong. Why did he hurt? Why was he so cold? Where was everyone?

His eyes fluttered open, and all he saw was white. Snow. The avalanche.

 

_ They weren’t going to make it. Raion was bleeding heavily. His staff hand was definitely broken, his nose too. His whole faced ached and every shouted command felt more like a shout of pain. Dorian was limping. Blood was soaking through his coats. Cassandra could barely hold her shield up, trying not to hunch over in pain. Broken ribs, maybe. Sera had a couple broken fingers, could hardly notch an arrow, could hardly stand. Raion tried to muster up some mana, some strength, anything he could to heal them and give them the time they needed. _

_ They weren’t going to make it. _

_ Then the trebuchet was ready and he was screaming. “Go!” _

_ A monster, a demon, a darkspawn? Or maybe all of it all at once. What stood before him shook him to his very bones, made his blood run cold and his fingers go numb. He wasn’t natural. Raion didn’t know how he could even exist. And the things he said made him tremble. _

_ Yet he bluffed his way through it, tried to buy as much time for his companions as he could. Hoped desperately that everyone who had survived had made it as far away from Haven as possible. Prayed he didn’t bury them beneath the snow too. _

_ And then the snow was racing down the mountains, a resounding boom and the crack of trees as it destroyed everything in its path. Raion jumped, something broke underneath him shoving wood through his skin, and he was falling far longer than he thought he should be. _

_ He hit the ground, and everything went dark. _

 

Raion twitched, and his leg screamed in pain. Squeezed his eyes shut against the white and the raging headache behind his eyes. Gods, he hoped they made it out alive. He tried to get them as much time as he could, but he was terrified Dorian, Cassandra, and Sera got caught up in the avalanche. Was sick to his stomach at the thought that he might have buried the rest of the towns people despite everything he had done to get them out.

He forced his eyes open, made himself take stock of his body. Everything hurt, screamed in pain. His arm was numb and it only took a quick glance to realize his shoulder was dislocated. He could see his bone sticking out of his skin further down the same arm and for a moment pretended that the lack of feeling was a blessing. His fingers bent grossly, broken from the fight earlier. His leg wasn’t broken, thank god, but his kneecap was definitely not where it was supposed to be and a thick piece of wood went straight through his thigh. There was another piece of wood in his stomach, and that itself terrified him. He reached into his mana reserves, and was thankful to find he still had something in him. Not a lot. Not enough to fix the damage to his organs but maybe enough to stop the rest of his bleeding. With his good arm he dragged himself against the wall, propped himself up.

Shoulder first, he decided. He had watched the clan healer do this once for a hunter, prayed he did it right himself. He held his arm bent against his chest, grabbed his disfigured shoulder in his hand, and with a shout of pain wrenched it back into place. It hurt almost as much as it was relieving. His shoulder was aching, throbbing, but at least it didn’t take his breath away every time he moved it slightly. 

Kneecap next, though that was easier. The stake in his thigh came out with some struggle, and a small burst of magic kept him from bleeding out. It still seeped, still stained his pants, but he wasn’t in danger at least. At least not from blood loss.

It was the wood in his stomach that really worried him. He wasn’t sure what kind of damage it would do to take it out. He wasn’t sure what organs it had impaled or scraped against. Taking it out might do more damage than being stabbed in the first place did. As much as it hurt every time he breathed, or so much as twitched, he left it in. 

Raion needed to find help. He knew he wasn’t going to survive like this. If his injuries didn’t take him first the cold would. He struggled to his feet, broken arm dangling uselessly at his side. He tried to take a step, but his knee crumpled under the weight, and he barely caught himself before he smashed his face into the snow. 

One more time. Carefully. Slowly. His leg gave out again, but he didn’t fall. Slowly, so slowly he made his way forward. Wasn’t even sure there  _ was  _ a way out. He felt like he was moving by mere inches. 

“Fuck,” he whispered.

Demons, and they noticed him as soon as he noticed them. It was a stupid way to die, considering all the things that should have killed him. The blast at the conclave? That was nothing. A demonic and insane darkspawn? Childs play. An avalanche? Absolute fuckery. A couple of lowly demons though. That was going to end him. He didn’t have the mana to summon magic, or the body to fight. 

And instead of being scared, he was fucking pissed.

His hand sparked them, searing pain nearly sending him to his knees. It was like when he got close to a rift. Stronger though. It wanted out. Raion extended his hand, grit his teeth, and tried to force the energy from him because there was no way he could fight a demon with a hand that absolutely was throwing a fit.

It fizzled, spat, and then a rift was opening before his very eyes. His fingers trembled as he struggled to contain it, watched as it sucked the demons right into it, and closed his fist against it. 

Just as suddenly as it came it was gone, dragging the demons with it.

“That’s a new trick,” he muttered, staring at his glowing hand. His body surged with energy as it sparked at him, like it was telling him to move forward.

He was getting delusional, he decided. Blood loss conjuring up images of demons and rifts for him. Exhaustion making him think he could create pulsing energy out of thin air. He was going crazy. After what he had just been thought, though, he figured he deserved to be a little crazy. Was owed that even.

Nonetheless he pressed onward and out of the cave. He fought his way through deep snow, fantasies of laying down and sleeping in his mind when he saw a small camp. The wood was cold, damp, but it was something. He was going the right way. New hope sparked in his chest, and despite the cold that was freezing him to his very bones and freezing his exposed skin solid he fought to keep walking. 

The second fire, still warm. Closer. He was so close to safety. So close to his people. Just a little longer, he told himself. A little more walking. A little more fighting. He could sleep when he was safe. 

He fell to his knees, could hardly see through the snow that was caked to his eyelashes. Knew for sure he had frostbite. His tongue was bleeding from chewing on it through the pain. He tried to get his legs to move, dug his fingers into the snow to try and drag himself through it. 

“It’s the inquisitor!”

Saw The Iron Bull before him. Reaching for him. Closed his eyes.

Safe. He was Safe. 


End file.
